I have this theory that every person in the world has a finite amount of love that they can ration out to those around them, depending on who they like the most. If someone we really, really love comes into our lives, we have to love someone else less in order to give that person their deserved helping of our love. I guess that’d be the downside. The upside is that when someone leaves our lives, we get to redistribute our love to people who may have been missing out on it while we were focusing it mostly on one person. My cat, for example, has been incredibly spoiled these past few weeks.
I think I know now why people sometimes use the word “seized” when discussing an action their heart makes. I saw there was a bomb threat on the Caltrain between Millbrae and San Francisco today. My heart seized once, because I feared my ex-boyfriend might be on that train. Then I looked at the clock, and my heart seized a second time when I realized that it’s only 5:30pm there. There is something very sad about us living completely different lives in completely different time zones. Just a couple of weeks ago I was baking cookies in his kitchen, using his razor, brushing my teeth with the toothbrush I left in his bathroom mirror.
Time is a strange thing, and I wish I wasn’t so attune to it. I’m quite bad at math, but I remember things numerically. As in: I have not kissed him in eighteen days; I have not seen him in fifteen days; I have not spoken to him in four days (there is a perfectly good explanation for why this number is so low, but I won’t go into it). The 8th of any month: our anniversary. The 1st of any month: the day we broke up.
I’ve always measured time like this. August 12 (2005): My last day living in Berkeley. December 12 (2006): The day of the school shooting. July 4 (2009): The time I got my heart broken before this one. I really wish I didn’t act like my calendar was an Elliott Smith album. I really wish that days could just be days again. Today is not the 18th day since I last kissed him, for fuck’s sake. Today is Monday.
I realize now that this desire to forget is what’s making me ache so badly; I also realize that it’s the central theme in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which–while I loved that movie–makes me feel a little bit silly.
I have this other theory that “everything happens for a reason,” but another theory I have says that maybe that theory is bullshit. There was a time when I was in love and I used terms like “spirit guide” completely earnestly. I started to grant credence to “we were meant for each other” narratives. I felt giddy and conspiratorial around other couples, like we had unlocked this secret that all the lonely single people were still struggling to comprehend. Now that I’ve reallocated most of my love to my cat, I guess I only really feel conspiratorial with crazy cat ladies.
It could be worse?
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If nothing else, this break up has helped your writing! I have been reading your blog/ your old blog for a while now and while I always found the writing cute and interesting these entries about your break up are really touching and relatable.
Not going through a break up now but going through the realization that a breakup is impending and it really makes me annoyed at all those “we are meant for each other couples” around me even though I used to be one of them!
@ Summer
Aw, thank you! That really means a lot to me. I’m trying to do my hardest to turn this shitty situation into something positive, and knowing that my entries speak to people is like the #1 reason I blog.
Good luck with your situation! And I totally know what you mean about the “we were meant for each other” couples. I totally thought we were one of them, and now I just feel silly for ever believing that crap.
You won’t return my calls but I least I know you’re alive because you’re blogging. Thinking of you and how awesome you are!!!! And how I am so proud of you